


Religious Experience

by Philosophizes



Series: Bad Decisions Series Backstory Fics [17]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Adults, Catholicism, Children, Gen, Humans, Judaism, Religion, Religious Conflict
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-03
Updated: 2013-01-03
Packaged: 2017-11-23 13:37:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/622771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Philosophizes/pseuds/Philosophizes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Easter dinner with the Beilschmidt-Vargas family suffers when Germany and Italy's only son says something he really, truly didn't mean to.</p>
<p>Prequel to 'Reconciliation'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Religious Experience

**Author's Note:**

> Advance apology for anything I've gotten wrong. I am neither Catholic nor Jewish.

Heinrich sneaked a look through his eyelashes between ‘Alleluias’ and looked around the table at the rest of his family who all had their heads bowed, even his _Vati_ who he _knew_ wasn’t religious and only went to church when _Onkel_ or _Babbo_ forced him or _Zio_ managed a guilt trip, either one of them; and how had his sisters both turned out so devoutly Catholic when it was barely talked about at home and Sonnehilde was raising her head so the prayer must be done and Heinrich stared at the table laden with food and the lamb that had been cooking in the kitchen all day and the deviled eggs and artichokes in butter sauce and the special bread and the fresh-caught fish and the strawberry pie and lamb-shaped cookies for later and-  
  
“I’m becoming Jewish.”  
  
-that’s not the sort of thing you _say_ at Easter dinner when you’re surrounded by people who have been Catholic for centuries and might still be harboring some Issues about events last century and when the Vatican is sitting two chairs down across the table and staring at you like he suddenly realized you’re an imposter; and so Heinrich jerked backward and half-fell out of his chair and sprinted for the door and ran out into the damp twilight air that still had stormclouds looming in it.

* * *

He hadn’t meant to say it.

He hadn’t meant to say _anything._

He hadn’t even meant to _tell_ his family about it, not yet, there were some things that you just couldn’t and really _shouldn’t_ say when surrounded by those people, and “I’m becoming Jewish” right after the Easter prayer was _definitely_ one of the ones on the list, even if no one had ever bothered to _make_ a list of ‘Things Not to Say During Easter Dinner with the Beilschmidts and Extended Family’.

Heinrich did _not_ want to go home, but his university was in Cologne and his wallet and keys and ID were back at the house, and there was no way he could do anything about that so he resolved to stop thinking about it.

It was threatening to rain again, and this time the water would pool on the concrete and the asphalt and the park grass that so waterlogged that it went _squish_ in a slightly amusing way whenever Heinrich put his foot down, and his shoes kept coming up muddier and muddier-

_Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah FOCUS!_

* * *

Thunder had been rolling across the sky for a while and the streetlamps had come on when Heinrich heard the _tap-tap-tap-squish_ of footsteps as they crossed from pavement to soil.

His _Vati_ sat down on the bench next to him and opened his umbrella over the both of them just as the rain started to patter down again.

Heinrich looked at his father out of the corner of his eyes. _Vati_ wasn’t looking at him, his eyes fixed rigidly at some point off in the distance.

“Why?”

His voice had no hint of emotion in it whatsoever and Heinrich remembered putting his head on his father’s chest when he was younger and listening to the way his voice rumbled like the thunder in the sky.

He tried to speak, but whatever he was going to say, he wasn’t even sure what the words were for this, stuck in his throat.

So they sat in silence and listened to the rain instead.

“Heinz?” his father asked eventually.

Heinrich kept himself busy nervously twining the fingers of his hands together and asked:

“Are you mad at me?”

Germany looked over at him and pulled Heinz against his chest, dropping his face so it rested in his son’s hair.

“Uhm… be-because I know that Nia and Zell and- and everyone else are Catholic and they might get mad, especially _Zio_ Romano, or Cris, and yell and say _things_ and I don’t want them to do that and I think _Babbo_ might look all sad and hurt and I don’t want him to look like that and I know you don’t like it either especially when you don’t go to church and he tries to convince you to and I don’t want him to do that to me and _Onkel_ Gilbert always gets annoyed whenever someone brings up Israel and he was a Crusader and y-you still twitch just a little whenever, whenever, you _know,_ someone mentions the-”

“Please don’t, Heinz.”

“Okay.”

More silence, but for the rain.

“Please say something, _Vati_.”

“Have you properly weighed your options and given due to consideration to all the possibilities?”

“Yes, _Vati_. I-I’ve been thinking about it since I was seventeen.”

Heinrich felt his father stiffen.

“You never said anything.”

“I- was- I wasn’t sure what you’d think,” he admitted, and clenched his fists in his father’s coat.

“Why would I think any different of you?”

And Heinrich found that he didn’t have an answer for that.

“So… you’re not mad?”

“No.”

“And- and you still love me?”

A soft kiss to his hair and a whisper.

“Of course.”

And Heinrich didn’t know exactly _why_ he ever thought his _Vati_ wouldn’t love him, even if he had decided that his life was properly lived as a Jew and he knew that the other people he’d been talking to who had also converted said the people they knew hadn’t been happy at _all_ about it, but all of a sudden he was crying anyway, and starting to sob, and his father had to push him away slightly to get at the packed of tissues in his pocket that he’d learned years ago to always keep near at hand for such sudden bouts of tears, even though they weren’t usually from one of his children-

Heinz blew his nose and tried to gather his thoughts.

“What about _Babbo_? Is he-”

“You would have to ask him.”

He huddled in on himself.

“Have I- turned into a problem?” Heinrich whispered.

* * *

Heinrich hadn’t wanted to come home, or at least not any longer than it took for him to get his keys and his wallet and coat but his _Vati_ had been very firm about it and walked him home with his arm around him and if had made Heinrich feel safe, but now his _Vati_ was gone, off arguing with his brother and trying to call Israel so he could pick her brain, and Heinrich was sitting on the couch in the living room with his _Babbo_ gazing at him like he’d just shattered his heart and torn it out and stomped it into the dirt, leaving a bloody mess of a hole behind in his chest.  
  
“Why _Easter?_ ” Italy finally asked, his voice small and hurt.  
  
“I didn’t _mean_ to say anything but I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately because I go before the _Beit Din_ next week and they decide if I’m ready to convert since I’ve spent my time in Cologne going to the university and learning Hebrew and about the Torah and spending time with the other Jewish families in the area to learn more about it and Rabbi Loewenberg and Mrs. Stahlman both said that it’s best if you tell your family and friends as soon as possible and they should know because they’ve helped a lot of other people convert but- but- but-”  
  
“You were _baptized,_ ” Feliciano said, pleadingly. “In _San Marco._ What’s so wrong with the Church that you have to _leave?_ ”  
  
“I-I know that Hashem exists. I know that He does just like I know _I_ do, but-but I think the Church has it wrong.”  
  
“Wrong,” Italy whispered.  
  
“I know that Hashem is kind,” Heinrich told his father. “And loving. _I know it._ It isn’t in His nature to hold all of humanity, for all time, responsible for the mistakes of two people.”  
  
“But He _doesn’t!_ ” Feliciano exclaimed. “Heinrich, he gave us Jesus so that we could be forgiven of the original sin, of _all_ our sins! That was why the Lord died on the cross; to reconcile us with Him-”  
  
“No, Father. He didn’t,” he looked at the floor so he wouldn’t have to look at his father’s face. “He died because the priests in Jerusalem didn’t like what he was saying, and the people didn’t want to let him go.”  
  
“ _No!_ No, no no no no no no _no_ ; _Heinrich_ ; _please, **please**_ don’t say that, _per_ -”  
  
Heinrich stood and took a step towards the door to escape his father’s panicked, pleading, terrified voice.  
  
Feliciano jumped to his feet, tears forming in his eyes.  
  
“Heinrich, _please!_ Don’t make God hate you!”  
  
He stopped and looked over his shoulder.  
  
“Hashem does not hate just because you don’t believe everything people tell you.”  
  
And he walked out of the room, up the stairs, pushed open the door to his old room, grabbed his keys and wallet, went back down the hall, ignored the sorrowful look that Sonnehilde gave him, descended the stairs, passed by the kitchen were his _Vati_ was talking to Israel and the dining room where _Onkel_ had sat the Vatican down to talk in low voices and the living room where his _Babbo_ was still standing in shock with tears dripping down his face and went out the front door for the second time that night and into the car and drove off, east, back to Cologne.

 

**Author's Note:**

>  _Biet Din_ \- the Jewish Court, made up of at least three Jewish men who cross-examine any potential convert who's learned Hebrew and studied the Torah (Jewish Holy Book) to see if the potential convert is ready to convert; part of their job is also to try and discourage the people who come before them as a test to see if they're really ready to commit. Converting to Judaism is Serious Business, a lot more than converting to other religions seems to be.
> 
> _Hashem_ \- A name for God Orthodox Jews may use when talking about God outside of prayers, which usually address Him as 'Adonai', instead. Yahweh is saved for the High Preist (Rabbi?) during the reading of the Torah.


End file.
